Tuesday, March 20, 2007

You Don't Understand!

Communication is one of those ongoing issues of marriage. It is key to so much of what we humans do. I sometimes wonder if MrCyclingLife and I are speaking the same language at all. Could there be gender-defined dialects? Ironically, our communication skills are leaps and bounds ahead of our parents. For much of the time I think we are doing great. Resting on our married couple laurels. Then a mega-argument moment happens and we suddenly feel totally isolated from each other. We aren't the yelling and screaming type of drama couple. We just sometimes manage to really hurt each others feelings. Then nothing we say seems to be right and we end up retreating like sad puppies to our separate corners.

I hate the idea of "marriage counseling" - you can bet MrCL does as well - but I think married couples could use an objective coach from time-to-time. Someone to send us back into the ring with a few pointers. Of course the object isn't to knock out your opponent, so perhaps I need to turn this metaphor in a different direction. We aren't looking for a winner and a loser in marriage. There will always be times when we hurt each others feelings. The important thing is the skills we develop for working things out. The ability to communicate helps to foster the sense of trust that is so essential for getting through our lives together. You are never finished working on communication. Marriage isn't being done. I think some people make the mistake of seeing it that way. It can be a refuge from the world, but it takes constant upkeep so it is there when you need it.


nee said...

hi,i'v been looking for some blogs on marriage,and found this one, i too feel males and fgeemales cannot think alike, maybe some chemicals are responsible, i'v been maqrried for twenty four years,when things are good i wonder how could i hate this guy he is so perfect ,gentle, responsible,but one moment and it all turns so ugly,he is the perfect type and he feels we are happily married, actually having his job to concentrate he doesnt find it worth contemplating, but lately ,maybe because of free time i have at hand i keep pondering over different situations, which leave me with quite opposite revelations than what i v been thinking all these years, i'd like to exchange our feelings about marriage with u-

MsUrbanLotus said...

It is an interesting question. How men and women see the world and communicate. But one thing we forget is how all humans see the world differently. All humans misunderstand each other. We are constantly writing a story in our mind, creating the meaning we find in the world. We sometimes only see what we want to see or hear what we want to hear. Or sometimes our pain causes us to put a "spin" on what our loved one said that wasn't their intention. Yet, there are times when it seems like our miscommunications fall into stereotypical patterns. Culture? Biology? A bit of both, perhaps.

If we can move away from anger and blame, we have a chance to communicate. But the other person has their own limitations - skills, level of self-reflection. In the end, we have to make our own happiness. No one else will do it for us, will they? And hopefully from that center of fulfillment, we can engage in more constructive communication with each other. Blessings to you Nee. I'm so glad you stopped by!